Thursday, August 19, 2010

I HAVE A PROBLEM AND IT IS ME.

I think I need to be more powerful.

With certain types of competition, I tend to be self-deprecating.
THIS NEEDS TO CHANGE.

I don't know how.

I don't know what the HELL I am talking about all of a sudden.

Let's share some concrete examples.

There's this part time job I really want and it is making me nervous as hell thinking that I won't get it and I am experiencing all sorts of insecurities and self-doubts. I am also super sensitive to comparisons.

- my sister: because she is better with reading and writing Chinese and because she is better at putting on a 'face' in certain social situations which require a certain set of behaviors. This sounds random but is related to aforementioned and much desired part time job.

- at work: there's this one camper who wants to be a professional baseball player and who places a huge emphasis on being on 'the winning team' who lately has taken to, whenever it's time to split up into two teams, screaming/yelling, I'm on Danny's team!!! I'm on Danny's team!!! (Danny is the other counselor) and occasionally, sprinkling in a lovely statement such as, "Danny's team always wins!". *implied diss to me* It's really wearing on my ... nerves.

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I'm pretty competitive. Who doesn't like to win/be on the winning team? I like getting really into games because it makes it more fun. However, I also don't like to be competitive to SUCH AN EXTENT that the game isn't even fun anymore because the game somehow suddenly takes on a life/death significance. Win the game and you're charmed for life, lose the game and you're destined to be a failure at EVERYTHING. Competition makes things more exciting and fun but when it comes down to it, I like the overall process way more than actually winning or losing. It's the experiences and bonding experiences and getting to know and understand yourself that is important.

Whatever, he's a very young 14 and the camp is over after tomorrow and I won't have to play sports anymore.

Mind you, I LIKE playing sports. I don't like this kid yelling and carrying on about how the team I'm on always loses. (Which, more often than not, it does.)

Okay I need to stop writing about this now and find something to eat or read my book because I feel myself getting angrier and the muscles in my forehead are tensing up.
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