I'm going to write without caring who reads

Lately, I have not been reading my Bible. I feel kind of ambiguous about this, because I feel that a real and serious Christian should make time to read the Bible in order to grow closer to God, but I just haven't been feeling like it. In the past, whenever I didn't feel like reading it, it was a different feeling than now. I remember it would be like a conscious avoidance, an active pushing the thought away everytime it occurred to me. But this is a strange and new feeling. I don't feel guilty about it. I think this is a natural stage I am going through, being a college student in my 3rd year. I think everyone in there 20s goes through a stage like this. Where you just realize how much there is to life. Teenagers are very egocentric. They tend to think only from their own perspective and basically feel like their lives are the center of the universe. At the time I didn't realize it and wasn't aware of it but looking back, wow. I was pretty egocentric in my beliefs and I kinda regret being that way and I'm worried about still being that way. It just seems like a very closed in and narrow way to be. It would be a scary, scary thing to be that way and not realize it for your whole entire life. To live in the delusion of thinking that you're so smart, and you're so right, when in reality you're nowhere near that. So one way to try to combat being narrowminded, is to read more diverse books. James Baldwin said on the back of a book something very interesting to me; put into my own words he said that sometimes people in books are more real than the people you know in your life. I think that is so true. I don't even know who James Baldwin is, ( he's probably a famous author) but I want to find out more about him now that I know he made this very accurate observation. Another reason I want to read more is because I feel like there is so much I don't know, so much I haven't experienced. It's a way of exploring new things and stretching your mind when you are limited in other ways. (Like actually travelling) Even with books though, I am still so limited, because there are SO MANY books in this world! On a gazillion different topics. I wish I knew and understood everything. But only God has that ability. My brain and my time is very limited. Right now I'm reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. And it's hard to understand. There are three pages of praise from various critics about how amazing and well-written the book is, and I feel kind of stupid that I don't get it. Hopefully I'll get it eventually. I remember reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou a couple years ago and disliking it, and recently reading it again, I was so absorbed in it and really loved it. Even and especially the depressing parts. I used to hate those horribly depressing parts. Now, even though it still makes me cry, I like them because those parts are what makes her triumph and survival even more amazing and wonderous. What changed in me that caused me to like the book now as opposed to not liking it before? I wonder what changed... and how? Alot of people who are around my age seem to have the same attitude as me right now. I like that I'm not the only one. At the same time it makes me feel sort of un-unique. Typical. I want to start reading the Bible again and really enjoying it instead of just doing it because I feel like I'm supposed to. Because being close to God makes me feel unique, special, and loved. With God I feel completely known, and completely accepted. I was reminded of this when I read H. Van Dyke's quote in a book, (whoever he is) "The heart's immortal thirst to be completely known and all forgiven." That's what I want. I hope for that in a future husband, from a best friend, from my sister, from my parents, but in reality, I know that I'll only find that in Jesus. Nobody else can know me as completely as he can or be good enough to forgive me of everything. Only he is that loving and that perfect. I'm not really worried about this phase I'm in, I think it's natural and that God has a purpose for it. Lord let it work to make my faith in you more complete and real.

Maybe this blog will just turn into a place where I vent about how bad my mom makes me feel. Cuz strangely enough that is the only time I feel like writing on this site. I honestly don't know what to do. I've never felt so alienated from God. And it scares me how unfeeling I feel. I can't relate to His word, I can't focus on a prayer. I guess it's just caused by disappointment and disillusionment. I've never felt so "unChristian". although that implies that it's possible to feel like a Christian, and that sounds kind of weird. I feel like cussing, in fact, when no one's around and I feel angry, I do cuss and in a way, it makes me feel better. My mom just makes me feel so powerless. So hurt. Nothing I do is good enough. I'm always the bad child in her eyes. Why is that? I don't know. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't cuss. I guess just my attitude with her. And her being raised in a very traditional Chinese kind of environment, to be rude to a parent is like a mortal sin. In her opinion, and my dad's, children should obey their parents unquestioningly. That's crap to me. It's not fair. Why should I listen to them when they are wrong and unreasonable? And because I don't, my mom hates me. I know there must be more to it than that, but it's just too confusing to understand. I'm not without fault I know. There are times when I'm just like her, bitter and resentful and unforgiving. That's why I'm so scared that I don't feel close to God and my communication with him is so distant and non-existant. I may become just like the worst parts of my mom. I feel so resentful towards my sister too. She's so quiet and passive when my mom yells at me and criticizes me and ridicules me. If she loves me, why doesn't she stick up for me? Why doesn't she yell at my mom to shut up? I understand that we have different personalities and I cannot expect her to react to something the way I do. I'm just so sick of my mom treating my sister like she's smarter and better than me. Like she's good and I'm bad. God, what I really want is just for our relationship to get better. I've prayed for this, but inevitably, I always get hurt by her, really hurt, again and again. I feel completely drained. Why bother? Are you even real? Don't you care?

my mom makes me so mad

My mom can be so irrational and such a control freak. I can't believe the way she acts when she's in one of her moods. She is just so irrational. I just can't believe it. I can't believe how unfair she can be. I can't believe how mad it makes me, and how much it hurts me. And how powerless it makes me feel. I'm crying right now. I can't help it. She just yelled at me for no reason. Blaming me for her problems. She threatened to make me move out of the house right now if I didn't cook dinner. Wow. I can't believe what just happened. God why is she like this to me? Why is my dad such a coward, always taking her side against me? Why do things never change? It seems so cruel to have this happen so suddenlly. Just when things were really starting to look up. to get better. This just came out of nowhere. Like a crazy whirl wind, taking me by surprise. God help me to heal from this. help me to forgive them. and especially her. I need help in believing that you are still in control and that you are here and you love me. I don't want to stop writing this. I need to write and write and distract myself from the way I'm feeling. I can't stand silence right now. Because if I listen to this silence, I'm just going to become depressed. When it's silent my feelings and thoughts are too loud. How did this all start? Well to my knowledge, it all started with my and diana wanting to go to a Rocket Summer concert. Lately, my mom has been totally against me and Diana going to concerts. My parents say it's because Diana has her SATs coming up, and they don't want any distractions that could cause her to not do well. Me and my sister went to 4 concerts anyway. This made them really mad at me. They threatened to make me move out. Me and my mom didn't talk for over a month though we lived in the same house. It really wasn't that bad. I almost liked it because I didn't have to worry about her mood swings. I also made an effort to not do anything to make her mad. Slowly, recently, our relationship seemed to get better. We talked. We laughed and joked, watched TV together. Then, me and my sister decided to go to this Rocket summer concert. It would be his last headlining concert in a while. And it was at the Knitting Factory, our favorite venue. We feel like we *have* to go. So, we planned on how to tell my mom about this. We waited for when she was in a good mood, and we argued that Diana needed a break after all her AP tests and her SAT. She agreed and I felt so relieved. However, a day later, she changed her mind because when she asked my sister about when we had ordered the tickets and found out that we had ordered the tickets before we asked her and without letting her know, she became upset. This little think exploded into this huge big deal. And now, things are seemingly back to the way they were before. I feel drained. I feel safe writing about this on a blog that nobody I know, knows about. I don't care if a stranger reads this. But I am not ready for any of my friends to know about this. I don't know why. Am I ashamed of it?

I honestly think something has shifted in me since...a year ago? Definitley since 2 years ago. It used to be that I looked at a book like the DaVinci code with suspicion and fear. I didn't want to read it, and secretly judged others who read it. Now, I want to read it just to see what it's about. Does this mean...my faith in God has grown? That it is no longer afraid of being challenged? It makes me cringe inside to remember the way that I was, the attitudes I had towards things.