Thursday, May 17, 2007

my mom makes me so mad

My mom can be so irrational and such a control freak. I can't believe the way she acts when she's in one of her moods. She is just so irrational. I just can't believe it. I can't believe how unfair she can be. I can't believe how mad it makes me, and how much it hurts me. And how powerless it makes me feel. I'm crying right now. I can't help it. She just yelled at me for no reason. Blaming me for her problems. She threatened to make me move out of the house right now if I didn't cook dinner. Wow. I can't believe what just happened. God why is she like this to me? Why is my dad such a coward, always taking her side against me? Why do things never change? It seems so cruel to have this happen so suddenlly. Just when things were really starting to look up. to get better. This just came out of nowhere. Like a crazy whirl wind, taking me by surprise. God help me to heal from this. help me to forgive them. and especially her. I need help in believing that you are still in control and that you are here and you love me. I don't want to stop writing this. I need to write and write and distract myself from the way I'm feeling. I can't stand silence right now. Because if I listen to this silence, I'm just going to become depressed. When it's silent my feelings and thoughts are too loud. How did this all start? Well to my knowledge, it all started with my and diana wanting to go to a Rocket Summer concert. Lately, my mom has been totally against me and Diana going to concerts. My parents say it's because Diana has her SATs coming up, and they don't want any distractions that could cause her to not do well. Me and my sister went to 4 concerts anyway. This made them really mad at me. They threatened to make me move out. Me and my mom didn't talk for over a month though we lived in the same house. It really wasn't that bad. I almost liked it because I didn't have to worry about her mood swings. I also made an effort to not do anything to make her mad. Slowly, recently, our relationship seemed to get better. We talked. We laughed and joked, watched TV together. Then, me and my sister decided to go to this Rocket summer concert. It would be his last headlining concert in a while. And it was at the Knitting Factory, our favorite venue. We feel like we *have* to go. So, we planned on how to tell my mom about this. We waited for when she was in a good mood, and we argued that Diana needed a break after all her AP tests and her SAT. She agreed and I felt so relieved. However, a day later, she changed her mind because when she asked my sister about when we had ordered the tickets and found out that we had ordered the tickets before we asked her and without letting her know, she became upset. This little think exploded into this huge big deal. And now, things are seemingly back to the way they were before. I feel drained. I feel safe writing about this on a blog that nobody I know, knows about. I don't care if a stranger reads this. But I am not ready for any of my friends to know about this. I don't know why. Am I ashamed of it?
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