Monday, May 21, 2007

Maybe this blog will just turn into a place where I vent about how bad my mom makes me feel. Cuz strangely enough that is the only time I feel like writing on this site. I honestly don't know what to do. I've never felt so alienated from God. And it scares me how unfeeling I feel. I can't relate to His word, I can't focus on a prayer. I guess it's just caused by disappointment and disillusionment. I've never felt so "unChristian". although that implies that it's possible to feel like a Christian, and that sounds kind of weird. I feel like cussing, in fact, when no one's around and I feel angry, I do cuss and in a way, it makes me feel better. My mom just makes me feel so powerless. So hurt. Nothing I do is good enough. I'm always the bad child in her eyes. Why is that? I don't know. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't cuss. I guess just my attitude with her. And her being raised in a very traditional Chinese kind of environment, to be rude to a parent is like a mortal sin. In her opinion, and my dad's, children should obey their parents unquestioningly. That's crap to me. It's not fair. Why should I listen to them when they are wrong and unreasonable? And because I don't, my mom hates me. I know there must be more to it than that, but it's just too confusing to understand. I'm not without fault I know. There are times when I'm just like her, bitter and resentful and unforgiving. That's why I'm so scared that I don't feel close to God and my communication with him is so distant and non-existant. I may become just like the worst parts of my mom. I feel so resentful towards my sister too. She's so quiet and passive when my mom yells at me and criticizes me and ridicules me. If she loves me, why doesn't she stick up for me? Why doesn't she yell at my mom to shut up? I understand that we have different personalities and I cannot expect her to react to something the way I do. I'm just so sick of my mom treating my sister like she's smarter and better than me. Like she's good and I'm bad. God, what I really want is just for our relationship to get better. I've prayed for this, but inevitably, I always get hurt by her, really hurt, again and again. I feel completely drained. Why bother? Are you even real? Don't you care?
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