Thursday, May 31, 2007

I'm going to write without caring who reads

Lately, I have not been reading my Bible. I feel kind of ambiguous about this, because I feel that a real and serious Christian should make time to read the Bible in order to grow closer to God, but I just haven't been feeling like it. In the past, whenever I didn't feel like reading it, it was a different feeling than now. I remember it would be like a conscious avoidance, an active pushing the thought away everytime it occurred to me. But this is a strange and new feeling. I don't feel guilty about it. I think this is a natural stage I am going through, being a college student in my 3rd year. I think everyone in there 20s goes through a stage like this. Where you just realize how much there is to life. Teenagers are very egocentric. They tend to think only from their own perspective and basically feel like their lives are the center of the universe. At the time I didn't realize it and wasn't aware of it but looking back, wow. I was pretty egocentric in my beliefs and I kinda regret being that way and I'm worried about still being that way. It just seems like a very closed in and narrow way to be. It would be a scary, scary thing to be that way and not realize it for your whole entire life. To live in the delusion of thinking that you're so smart, and you're so right, when in reality you're nowhere near that. So one way to try to combat being narrowminded, is to read more diverse books. James Baldwin said on the back of a book something very interesting to me; put into my own words he said that sometimes people in books are more real than the people you know in your life. I think that is so true. I don't even know who James Baldwin is, ( he's probably a famous author) but I want to find out more about him now that I know he made this very accurate observation. Another reason I want to read more is because I feel like there is so much I don't know, so much I haven't experienced. It's a way of exploring new things and stretching your mind when you are limited in other ways. (Like actually travelling) Even with books though, I am still so limited, because there are SO MANY books in this world! On a gazillion different topics. I wish I knew and understood everything. But only God has that ability. My brain and my time is very limited. Right now I'm reading A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius by Dave Eggers. And it's hard to understand. There are three pages of praise from various critics about how amazing and well-written the book is, and I feel kind of stupid that I don't get it. Hopefully I'll get it eventually. I remember reading I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou a couple years ago and disliking it, and recently reading it again, I was so absorbed in it and really loved it. Even and especially the depressing parts. I used to hate those horribly depressing parts. Now, even though it still makes me cry, I like them because those parts are what makes her triumph and survival even more amazing and wonderous. What changed in me that caused me to like the book now as opposed to not liking it before? I wonder what changed... and how? Alot of people who are around my age seem to have the same attitude as me right now. I like that I'm not the only one. At the same time it makes me feel sort of un-unique. Typical. I want to start reading the Bible again and really enjoying it instead of just doing it because I feel like I'm supposed to. Because being close to God makes me feel unique, special, and loved. With God I feel completely known, and completely accepted. I was reminded of this when I read H. Van Dyke's quote in a book, (whoever he is) "The heart's immortal thirst to be completely known and all forgiven." That's what I want. I hope for that in a future husband, from a best friend, from my sister, from my parents, but in reality, I know that I'll only find that in Jesus. Nobody else can know me as completely as he can or be good enough to forgive me of everything. Only he is that loving and that perfect. I'm not really worried about this phase I'm in, I think it's natural and that God has a purpose for it. Lord let it work to make my faith in you more complete and real.
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